the accidental gamer
by Remzal Von Enili
Summary: I have no clue if I'll keep at this just thought I'd try my hand at gamer harry. first chapter is rough. rating changed because I like cussing.
1. Tutorial

_**Howdy people remzal here with a new little thing for ya. now I don't own the idea of game fics, and I don't own anything mentioned in this story (except myself) I also have no claim to harry potter other then a attraction to luna lovegood.**_

* * *

Many people wondered what drew voldemort to the dark side of magic. Was it for power? revenge? was he a good man who became corrupted by the world around him?

Nope the dark side just has more loot.

**Character voldemort has reached Lv 40000**

Voldemort expected the level up. It'd be hard not to seeing as this was his greatest victory in a while (even greater then using his charisma to make Peter switch sides) And when he made his next horcrux he's get 7X the exp and level up even faster! Poor voldie was so caught up in his dreams of ultimate power that he missed the next message.

**Admin has added character Harry james potter to the game, Nemesis system is active**

Voldemort began making his way to the house, slowly and confidently. it's not like they would get away, three quick murders, spend his new stat points, and then to bed. Quick, Easy, Simple.

Not going to happen.

Oh sure the father went down fast enough a quick **lv 13 killing****curse**and the soul was ripped out of his body and added to his inventory.

The Mother had been even easier not even trying to dodge before getting her soul stolen by the **Killing** **curse.**Of course things had to go wrong when he attacked the baby.

**PVP Fight! Player Voldemort has Attacked Player Harry Potter! as harry potter has no battle skills the outcome will be determined by comparing one random stat from each player**

Well this was new but not really worrying, after all he was a elite player going up against a baby, what could go wrong?

**stat chosen! Empathy has been selected Player voldemort LV 2 Player Harry Potter LV 5. Player Potter wins!**

"wait a second wha-" and with that Voldemorts body crumbled to dust and his soul was banished to his last save point.

**player voldemort has loaded previous save "Albanian forest- voldemort lv 19" estimated load time - 1 10 years five months**

Throughout all of this little baby harry was looking at the pretty floating orange screens.

**player Harry Potter claim your rewards! **

Little baby harry had no clue what was going on, what he did know was the pretty orange thing was close enough for him to grab.

So he did not even caring about the things he was pressing.

**REWARD GAIN! **

**Voldemort wand (x1)**

**Voldemort soul ( x 1/7)**

**Black robe (x1)**

**gold ( 90581)**

**exp (999999)**

**you have leveled up! (X 14)**

**Please spend skill points. **

Now baby harry being a baby had no clue what has happening. what he did know was lights flashed whenever he pressed the pretty circles.

So he pressed away.

**You have selected**

**strength +38**

**Endurance + 2**

**Wisdom +3**

**Magic + 200**

**charisma +200**

**yes?**

Once again baby harry made his babiness known by slapping the screen.

**STATS ALLOCATED!**

**new stat total**

**strength - 40**

**endurance - 5**

**Wisdom - 4**

**magic - 680**

**charisma - 202**

And with that the screen disappeared leaving no evidence to just how badly the future had been messed with.


	2. letters and instance

_**daaaaaamn this got noticed quickly. well ok I quess I'll just have to try my hands at a second chapter. well onto the warning I dont own anything that will appear in my story except for a few minor characters and power ideas.**_

* * *

If you were to ask any person about Privet drive they would all tell you the exact same thing. "Run. Run far and fast and don't stop for anything." This is because Privet drive was a very strange place. With over-sized animals randomly appearing from the tallest patches of grass and identical Thieves appearing in groups at the same place every day it was a very strange (and dangerous) place to be. and all of it was one persons fault

**Enemy: Giant Red Rat Killed. Loot gained! +12 exp! rat claws gained! +1 unarmed combat**

This was the message floating in-front of the boy who caused all of this. Harry James Potter.

Harry wasn't sure what these screens of orange light were or where they came from, what he did know was they made him stronger then other people and had a weird habit of changing his life in the strangest of ways. Like the incident with the "instance system".

**Flashback!**

Our little (eight year old) hero was enjoying a nice, normal day, do a little gardening (four hours in the hottest part of the day), clean up around the house a bit (every single room. Twice), and have a nice conversation with his uncle.

"listen to me and listen well you little freak I pay good money for those locks on your cupboard and if you break another I'll beat the piss out of you DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?!"

Now in his defense Harry currently has a **Strength** skill of 60. this meant that while tossing and turning in his "lovely room" he ended up accidentally kicking the door off it's hinges and breaking the lock. Not something his uncle was really looking kindly on.

The fat bastard.

_"right now how am I going to explain this to him?"_ Thought our current hero. when lo and behold the cause of his problem appeared in-front of him in all it's orange reality bending glory.

**Instance system has been activated!**

**throughout the game there will be times when a life changing choice will be presented to you. These choices are called "instances" and effect what powers you may develop**

_"ok that is kinda cool but I'm not sure how what effects that has on this situation"_

** Instance, "De-clawing the Dursleys" activated!**

**choice 1. re-distribute stats **

**choice 2. Beat the whale**

**choice 3. Fetch the fuzz**

**choice 4. summon the dark god nekronn**

**choice 5. "family fun"**

Well Harry instantly knew what he was picking. Since he didnt want to get in more trouble later he figured sending them somewhere they would enjoy might lessen his punishment. So with that in mind our little hero slapped the **"family fun" **option.

Vernon not having gotten a response reared back to punch little harry only to feel his flabby fist caught in a much bigger and harder grip.

"whutcha doin to da boy mac?" came a deep gruff voice from behind . With a feeling of dread Vernon turned and just about shit himself. The man stood at about eight feet and it was all muscle bald headed and with scars all over his (rather large) exposed chest. Instantly Vernon knew two things

1\. he had left the door wide open.

2\. not only was this beast of a man pissed at him he had also brought friends. A LOT of friends.

Now harry didn't know what has going on just that he wasn't being hit. So he took his chance and bolted past the group of men and has rapidly paling uncle and past his aunt and cousin who had just arrived.

"now why dontcha two cummon in and have a nice ol chat wit bubba and da boyz"

With that the now named Bubba picked up all three members of the family and dragged them inside.

when the cops arrived six hours later they found a beaten vernon stuffed into the cupboard under the stairs, a crying petunia with all of her nice clothes and fancy dresses ripped up, and a exercising Dudley who had no plans to stop.

Harry never even had a raised voice directed at him again.

**Flashback end**

Harry had a pretty good life from then on he kept in contact with Bubba and the other bikers with him (all of them members from a not very well known bikergang known as Da Boyz) and had even been taught a few things by them. some that had even shown up as skills such as **Mechanic, Unarmed combat, **and **Intimidate**. Slowly but surely things had been getting stranger though, he was getting into more fights and sometimes the people around him would for a few seconds look at one of his screens (when they appeared that is). Harry quickly forced it from his mind it wasn't a big problem and he had other things to think about. It was his eleventh birthday! Deciding to be nice Harry went to get the mail.

**"**lets see bill, junk, sweepstakes, bill, netflix delivery, dudley's bodybuilder magazine, letter from bubba, junk, junk, and three school acceptance letters?

**INSTANCE!**

oh what fresh hell is this.

* * *

BONUS ROUND!

* * *

"Son of a muggle loving monkfish faced WHORE!" Voldemort was not happy. Losing a ton of levels by getting one-shotted by a baby does that but he had tried to deal, he knew how to complete some quest much quicker and he knew what "perks" to avoid like **snake soul **oh sure the affinity to snakes was useful the the whole "ugly as sin" thing kinda ruined a sex life. So while that loss was bad it wasn't what had him currently pissed off.

**You have been cursed! age reset to 11**

THAT is what currently had him so pissed.

"there isn't even a brightside to this!" So he did what all good dark lords did when something bad happened to them. He threw a tantrum.

Not even noticing the owl sitting on a treebranch overhead waiting to deliver a letter to the strange little boy.


	3. life choices and name changes

_**it's nice to know some people like my work. thank you all the people who followed and favorited me and a special thanks to wolfsrun my first (and only) reviewer!**_

_**well on to the usual things, I don't own all the things that will appear in here (like da boyz) but I will use them in ways that I hope people find funny. (props to who can figure out where I got da boyz from. heres a hint in the source material they aren't human)**_

* * *

**Elite Instance "letter of a lifetime" activated!**

**as this instance is so much more important then others it has been titled elite (one of the three total elite instances in the entire game) since this is such a massive choice descriptions of bonuses and penalties shall be given**

**option one - hayon academy of swordsmanship and sorcery - you will be learning exotic styles of magic in hayon (the hidden nation of magus japan) there you will learn to do things with steel and spell that will let you make your own path! Swordsmanship auto unlocked! Exotic magic Auto unlocked! Exotic magic +44! gain "fate-breaker" status lose chance to connect to parents! -1000 English magical reputation!**

**option two - Academy base of the exceptional - Your talents have been noticed and this is your reward, you will be taught by the finest of minds until you can look them in the eyes as peers. you will be taught sciences that normal men can scarcely imagine. Mad science auto unlocked! mad science +69! gain "disgrace" status! gain "scientist" status! loose all connection to the magical quest line except Nemesis!**

**option three - Hogwarts school of witchcraft and wizardry - your a wizard harry. don't you feel special? pick this one and you'll be wisked away to a world of magical adventures and new discoveries, learn magics and be the best wizard you can be! Gain "boy-who-lived" status! magic auto unlocked! discover parents past quests added! loose all connections to the non-magical quest line!**

**option four - *&amp;*%&amp;^*%#- ?**

_"great it's going to be one of those days" _and with that thought our young hero sat down to think of this life altering decision, never knowing of the challenges and enemies each path could bring him.

* * *

Hagrid had seen many kids before in his days, some he had even befriended, others creeped him right the hell out.

"is there a problem ?"

Oh sure the kid looked nice enough, kinda like what he imagined Harry must look like, they both had the same dark black hair but while baby harry's was messy and shin this kids hair was so dark it almost seemed to pull at the light and fell to his shoulders, another big difference was the eyes. Harry's eyes had been a bright green and full of life, where as these were of a blue so dark they almost appeared black and had a hard edge to them.

"nah no probl'm but I can't help but r'member I dunt know yah name."

_"ah. that, that might be a problem. I cant tell him my name is Tom or he might remember me and somehow I don't think Voldemort will go over to well"_

** SELECT NAME!**

_"oh sweet black jesus there is a god!"_

Now that there wasn't a time limit he could come up with a proper name.

"lets see I need to but distance between me and tom riddle...bloody hell wheres a good idea when you need one!"

it was at this exact moment that a gust of wind (curiously instance stops everything but weather) blew a comicbook into voldemorts face.

_"what the fu- oh come on people haven't you ever heard of recycling?! I mean seriously is a little decency to much to ask for?"_

Walking over to a bin he decided took a quick peek at it before binning it.

_"batman vs the riddler? whats this about lets see...rich kid...daddy issues...Edward nigma...riddler ...THIS IS PERFECT! I can get a new name and snub my nose at dumbles! _

**Name: Edward Nygma Mortis selected**

With not even a shake the mountain of a man continued talking like he hadn't just spend twenty-six minutes standing frozen in place.

"well s'nice to meetcha Edward, now cu'mmon lots ta buy"

Without even a backwards glance The boy, now named Edward, walked away from the cover home and impiriused family.

But as he left he couldn't help but wonder one thing.

_"I wonder why the hayon letter said Magi instead of magical like the Hogwarts letter?"_

With a shrug he put it out of his mind and began to follow the jolly giant back into a world that had no idea what was coming.

* * *

_**yep I left a instance open. that's because I want you guys to pick! personally I have a few ideas for all of the storylines (heck hayon was made by me and some friends in a rp) **_


	4. Meeting your maker

_**well I only got one feedback and it basically said it's all good, so I made one of those finger charm thingies...got pissed because it came out weird and just went with my gut. so I dont own anything in this story except a few characters that will show up later. ok on we go!**_

* * *

"_Well...this is..this is just...wow"_ Now Our boy harry is no fool he knew these were all amazing options, but each had some kind of downside. In another world Harry would be so beaten and love starved he would have gone with the hogwarts option without a second glance this time however... "Fuck it!' He's a bit different.

**you have selected option four. World update will now begin**

With that slightly worrying message a ripple of air like that of a heatwave spread in all directions before disappearing on the horizon.

After giving it a few minutes to see what would happen harry turned to his letters only to find that the hogwarts letter was the only one left. _"well I guess option four was just a bug or something'' _Opening the letter Harry looked over the first two pages consisting of a acceptance letter and a materials list, he almost put it away but noticed a smaller note in-between the two. as a Revision to the Hogwarts letter it is also recommended that students bring Muggle science textbooks and any materials they find interesting to learn. These revisions will be effective for at least the next seven years. The familiar restrictions have also been lifted (barring class XXXXXXX creatures). Ok this was new, Harry was pretty sure that that extra letter was caused by option four. _"Well no use worrying about it now"_ Not having anything better to do Harry began thinking of his power. By now he had pretty much figured it was similar to a game. _"I think Dudley had a movie with something like this now that I think about it" _So with a shrug and a prayer our little lunatic decided to give it a go. "SYSTEM ACCESS User Harry James Potter." not really expecting something Harry was understandably surprised when a screen popped up in-front of him. **User Harry James Potter is Connecting to Hub. Auto-COnnecting user vo-&amp;^TRF^T&amp;. Auto connecting User Edward Nygma Mortis. **In less then a second and a flash of light harry potter was gone.

* * *

Game hub- universe station

* * *

In a blinding flash of light harry appeared in a strange place. Looking around he saw pillars extending on forever into a ceiling made of bubbles filled with thousands of images. the pillars appeared to be made of some strange dark metal. Upon looking closer Harry noticed that they were actually moving a inch or so every few seconds (strangely the black stone floors didn't seem to have scuff marks or anything from the moving towers). Harry would have inspected his surroundings some more if he hadn't noticed two more people with him. the first was a kid about his age wearing a dark grey hoodie and red pants with a bandanna tied around his head. He actually wouldn't have been anything special if it wasn't for the absolutely furious glare he currently had directed at harry. The other guy was far stranger (and coming from Harry that was saying something) with skin and hair bone white and bloody red eyes he looked like he stepped out of one of Dudley's manga for a second. He however didn't dress the part of a manga character, in his Fluffy fox slippers and orange hoodie bathrobe. And then he spoke "Fuck kid it's midnight where I am and you're going to do this now?!" Well this was strange but that was good. Strange was his element, strange was Harry prepared to reply. "and just who the hell are you?" and got beat to the punch by the other guy. The strange pale teen gave a yawn. "ah yeah about that...well to put it plainly I'm god. Well I'm your god at least." Well harry wasn't expecting this. He had always thought of god as a big warm ball of light (as opposed to Dudley who thought it was Morgan Freeman because the T.v told him so). "Riiiiiight. are you on crack?" Finally harry got to say something! "_I really hope he isn't god or I'm going to hell for that crack comment"_

"Not for the last two million universes kid. but yes I am god, and no you aren't going to hell."

Well that was enough proof for Harry. Unfortunately Not so much for the other guy.

"and what proof do you have for me? surely God can give a little proof of his identity."

Quick as a flash the goofy sleepy demeanor changed, it didn't disappear but it suddenly seemed more fake.

"When you first met your father you hesitated and almost didn't give him the gift you had planned for him, at least until he gave you his heartfelt greeting" This shut the other boy up very quickly, and just as quickly the feeling of wrongness disappeared from their host.

"now then boys lets see how you've been doing so far shall we?" With that two screens popped up in-front of him.

"...are you guys shitting me right now?"

Neither of the two really got what he was saying until the two screens balooned in size and turned to them both.

**Harry James Potter**

**Lv: 29**

**Strength : 1252**

**endurance 16**

**wisdom: 15**

**magic :9082**

**charisma : 249**

**gained stats**

**unarmed combat: 99**

**armed combat: 17**

**domestics: 800**

**intimidation: 90210**

**Titles: Wizarding savior, boy-who-lived, Glass cannon, The third gamer**

"I don't even want to know how you got these stats. but I think I have a good idea" Pulling up another screen and glancing at it he couldn't help but sigh. "yep you both had auto-assign on" with that little tidbit of information they turned to the other boys screen.

**Edward Nygma Mortis**

**Lv: 35**

**Strength: 33**

**endurance: 39**

**wisdom: 420**

**magic: 10,512**

**charisma: 7**

**gained stats**

**dodging: 109**

**magical combat: 9002**

** ritual magics: 90210**

**snake handling: 411**

**Titles: Riddle of death, deadly dueler, the boy inside the man, gypsie hunter, the second gamer**

"what the hell?! I know I was way higher then this!"

Well not the most mature of responses but Harry could understand. Having his weaknesses shoved in his face like this was pretty insulting. God or not that's just rude.

"ok, look you know what happened to most of the levels and the others were lost because of your curse. But I gotta admit I do pitty you dudes. so here's what I'm going to do as two of my first gamers I'm going to give you two gifts. a scan ability that'll give you information on a target aaaand a quick menu, ok?" Before either could respond they got messages of the additions.

**Ability scan added! - simply look at a person and think "scan" and the information will appear. Higher level characters will have blank areas. Use this ability enough and it will also give a brief summary of their current feelings and their past..**

**Quick menu added!- simply say "character menu" and quick menu will be activated. Will not freeze other players.**

Well with something like this there was really only one thing the boys could do.

"_scan"_

**Remzal**

**Admin Lv 0+**

**Stat info locked.**

**Titles: mad god of the inbetween, broken one, the admin, yogscast fan**

Well that was useful.

"well boys now that you've satisfied your curiosity lime to go home. toodles"

With that both boys disappeared leaving the god alone.

"heheh good luck my little gamers."

With that he dismissed the three screens but not before one last title appeared on his screen.

**sucecssor seeker**


	5. alley oop

**so before I begin one quick question, should I make another story for omakes and glimpses of what other choices would have brought about? just wanna know. anyway I dont own Harry potter or a good bit of the stuff I'll put in here.**

**Bonus. one of Edwards titles is a song lyric. can you guess which one it is or what song it's from ?**

Edward Nygma Mortis is many things, egocentric, cruel, easily bored, and vain, but he is by no means stupid. _"Second gamer and third gamer. this could be a problem. I had always assumed I was the first, but this implies that thee could be many more" _Putting it out of his mind for now Edward turned back to the matter at hand.

school shopping.

_"it'll be nice to see something familiar for once"_

Fat chance kid. As the stone archway opened (courtesy of a slightly hung over Hagrid) Edward was treated to a slightly different sight then he was expecting. all the usual shops were there and the cobblestone streets were still the same uneven paths as always but severan new side streets and shops could be spotted from the mouth of the alley.

"right 'les go edw'rd ye can get mosta ya books on diagon alley, but fir summa the new stuff ya might need'a stop in at fate alley an if ya really wanna get a nice pet ol rick on etern alley's got a good haul."

Well so much for normal obviously more changes were happening then they were aware of, and thats a worrying thought since already he'd counted four major changes. these changes being Hogwarts, his age, the way magic worked, and the year. Though he wasnt really complaining on the last one 2016 had some nice toys.

Well first things first. " could I purhaps ask you a favor?"

**You have sucessfully cast imperious on a non-human target! **

"go wait in the bar, have a few drinks, laugh, enjoy yourself just dont leave without me or come to get me."

With those orders the giant went back to the bar for a pint (or twenty-seven) of beer.

_"thats another change. I could have easily done something horrible to him or gotten myself a nice pet. but I find the idea of enslavement of this nature repulsive now. is this game effecting my mind?" _

Putting his dark thoughts in the back of his mind once more he set off to explore the alley(s). Though he had planned to search each shop one at a time until he had visited each shop on the main alley that plan immediately flew out of the window upon seeing the first new shop.

Gamer fly for the Noob guy.

* * *

yes this ones super short. however it's mostly just to fill in some space. next chapters hogwarts (spoiler ahead) and the next elite instance.


	6. sorting and system anomaly

**I have time. I have ideas. the only thing I dont have is the rights to harry potter and the various materials used.**

* * *

Harry was excited, finally he was leaving to learn magic. He had all his books packed away in his inventory (that he had only just learned to access) He had a trunk packed to the brim with sodas and junkfoods (for appearances) and he had his new wolf pup peter stowed away in his, disturbingly spacious, robes.

"this is going to be a good year"

Normally he wouldnt have tempted murphy but so far nothing bad had happened, he'd hitched a ride with bubba and da boyz (after many manly backslaps and poorly hidden tears) it hadnt taken long to find the platform thanks to his map and he'd found a compartment near the batrooms and far from the other students.

aaaah bliss.

"excuse me have you seen a toad?"

Well so much for that.

With a small grunt and a few muttered curses Harry turned to the intruder.

The intruder turned out to be a girl with short curly hair and brown eyes dressed in her hogwarts robes and a bright pink beret. Well girl or not it dosnt really change the fact that she annoyed him.

"nope no toads here. was that all?'

Apparently she took his response as an invitation to join him and flopped on the seat across from him.

"I'm Hermione Granger, and you are?"

"I'm Harry and dont you have a toad to look for?"

At his response she gave a huff and turned her head to the side in a childish display of anger.

"Look I was just helping someone else find it but it's not like it's my problem if the little slimeball dosnt turn up."

Oh great annoying and arrogant.

"how kind of you to offer what help you did"

Apparently she was also oblivious to sarcasm.

"yeah! see you get it Harry...heeeey you said harry right? as in Harry Potter? The famous kid?"

Huh well thats new, were people watching him play the game? was he some kind of big time celebrity?

"If I am it's news to me"

After that they settled in silence for the rest of the ride (except for a brief period of excitement when peter attached a blond boy who barged into the compartment).

* * *

Time skip two hours

* * *

Finally the Train pulled to a stop and everyone piled out onto the dirt road leading to a dock.

"Firs years, to the boats, no more n four per boat."

_"Holy shit! for a big guy hagrid can be surprisingly stealthy" _Harry hopped into the nearest boat and found himself sitting with a Red haired boy with a ton of freckles, a red haired girl with a ton of freckles and a blond girl staring of into space. Giving a quick look to the Tags floating overhead he saw The names Ron and Ginny.

Waaaaait a second. this math seems off.

3 people - 2 names = 1 unknown.

Well time to fish for information.

"Hi. I'm Harry, can I ask who you three are?"

Apparently the guy was the speaker for the trio.

"sure mate, I'm Ron weasley, this is Ginny my little sister, and the one poking at nothing is luna lovegood"

Glancing at Luna he saw she was not infact poking at nothing. she was poking at the Tags floating over Rons and Ginnys heads, even stranger then that was the fact that she could actually touch them!

Before he could question further they reached the other side of the docks. Damn Harry had really wanted to get a good look at the castle but he only caught a quick glimpse of stone walls and a big square building on the lawn before they went inside.

_"well I got to hand it to you murphy you never stop being creative"_

After standing around for about ten minutes and meeting almost as many specters as the ghost-busters they were ushered in and the sorting began. Kid after kid was called up and sorted in no apparent order.

"Weasley, Ronald"

"GRIFFINDOR!"

"Malfoy, Draconius"

"RAVENCLAW!"

"Granger, Hermione"

"SLYTHRIN!"

"Ddraig, Issac"

'HUFFELPUFF!'

Finally it was harrys turn.

so with a few quick steps he was at the stool being gawked at by about 12 people wearing an old hat that smelled of cheese.

_"yeah sorry about that, Albus wore me to breakfast last week and dropped me"_

Ok wonderful. it's finally happened Harry Potter has gone 100% cookoo. time for the pudding.

_"NO! your not crazy kid I'm the sorting hat, gods where do you come up with this stuff?"_

_"The internet, and waaay to much free time"_

_"alright lets just get this done. you're about as subtle as a flying Mallet so no slythrin."_

_"well fuck you too"_

_"your certainly brave, but have about as much chivalry as a whores son"_

_"that one actually stung a bit"_

_"you'll live kid, now you are smart but a bit to brutish for the ravens so that leaves..."_

"HUFFELPUFF!"

Well great apparently that was not expected because now even more eyes were trained on harry.

Fuck, how can this get worse?

"Mortis, Edward"

"HUFFELPUFF!"

'lovegood, luna"

"HUFFELPUFF"

Oh thats how.


	7. Promised changes (and pudding)

**HI everyone time for a new chapter! This one will introduce a few more of the ripple effects from harry's choice (im sure the others were obvious so far) well anyway I dont own anything except a few random ideas that'll show up later. Feedback and ideas are appreciated.**

* * *

So Far Edward was seriously considering burning hogwarts to the ground.

He was in Hufflepuff. HUFFLEPUFF! The house of the marshmellow puffs.

_"we already saw how slythrin went. the puff's will do you good. Fuck this school and it's talking cheese scented hat."_

Honestly today was so upsetting that all he wanted to do was curl up in a chair, get some hot chocolate and relax by the fires in his new common room.

and Merlin help you if the hot chocolate came without tiny marshmellows.

"Before we begin tonights most wonderful feast I have a few announcements"

Well shit. Turning to the head table Edward got a good look at his (former?) enemy. The most noticable thing was he looked tired, tired and upset.

"as you are no doubt aware of Hogwarts will be playing host to a slew of new courses and guest teachers for the next seven years."

_"the letter said at LEAST seven. guess dumbles wants this over as soon as possible."_

As soon as Fumbles stopped speaking music began playing, not a song with words just a upbeat pop tune.

_"oh joy they have a thing for big enterances"_

The Clouds on the great hall ceiling pooled together into one small dark cloud right over where the sorting hats stool was a few minutes ago (carried off by a very old, very angry filtch). Before anyone had a chance to question what in the frozen hell was going on a pole (not unlike that of a strip club) shot out of the cloud and buried it's self in the stone.

_"oh bet dumbles is going to love fixing that"_

And then shit started getting weird. "Baby teeeeeeeell me why aaaaaaaaaaangels fall from the skyyyyyyyyyyy"

'_Oh dear gods please tell me someone isnt swinging their way down the pole and singing a love song in the worst voice ever."_

"Wheneeeeeeeever you walk by"

"_why would I pray to god? I've met god. hes a douche and he hates me"_

By now he was low enough that Eddy-boy could get a good look at him. He was tall. Really tall. Like seven foot eight, he had dark skin either a wicked tan or possibly mediterranean ancestory His hair was a shocking purple color for some reason and is eyes matched it. He was currently wearing a pair of white pants. Thats it. gods edward could practically feel the female hormones in the air around him.

_"Our guest teacher looks like he walked out of an anime" _

There was however one other thing of note.

"_he's not using his hands or even gripping it with his feet, it's like he's magnatized to it"_

and it was true the soles of his shoe-less feet and the small of his back were the only things even touching the pole, Heck he was shuffeling a deck of cards!. About three feet from the ground he threw the deck at the students who watched as the cards flowed threw the air over to the Wall next to ravenclaw and formed a door.

"whats up dudes and dudettes My name is kyoka. I'm here as the first person to greet ya from Hayon"

_"from what?"_

* * *

OMAKE-

* * *

There was a voice in Harry's head.

There was a voice in harry's head apologizing abut old men and cheese.

_"I knew this day would come"_

_" DO-"_

With a scream and a blast of accidental magic all the clothing on Harry potter (including the poor sorting hat) was instantly shredded. With a wave of his (somehow surviving) want he began leaking cocolate pudding from his nipples and ran from the room screaming.

"I SWEAR I'LL BE THE GREATEST SAILOR SCOUT EVER!"

* * *

omake end


	8. purple power!

**Hi everyone. I just want to give a slight apology. the last chapter was very cracky . I just wanted to have things moving along past the welcome feast and I goof'd a bit it also dosnt help that I didnt know what Hayon character to use. Someone called me out on it and I figured I'd give a bit of an explination.**

**anyway as always I dont own Harry potter, if I did he'd be more like dresden. a snarky badass.**

* * *

It took four days before everything settled down and the students figured out what had happened and to most it was very shocking.

Apparently ten years prior There had been some kind of, for lack of a better explination, Magical S.O.S. This S.O.S was picked up by The Hayon Headmaster and The headmaster of a Muggle Research institute. Normally The brits would just tell them to fuck off but apparently they had Dual backing from Both the Queen and the HWC (high wizard council). Since they couldnt throw them out they agreed (aka were forced) to host teachers from the other schools.

Now For most students this was something that was just too much, magic sensing muggles?, strange singing portal making mages?, Wizard councils more powerful then Dumbledore?

But Ronald Weasely was not like most students, all he knew was some weird bloke busted in the school, did something with some cards and now everyone has to get check-ups. Yeah ron was not happy. He was hungry, his headache was worse then ever, he was VERY angry, and they had another stupid potions class coming up. What was worse was They were taking even longer with him then they did with potter! He heard them talking about potions, and something about jeans. JEANS! this was supposed to be an check-up now a fashion show. As he went to open his mouth (to likely say something Very, VERY stupid) two spells hit him in the chest.

Before he fell unconcious he couldnt help but marvel, because for the first time in five years his head didnt hurt.

* * *

" . , are you awake?"

What a lovely thing it is to wake up to the sight of a 85 year old woman standing over you after being knocked unconscious. Still waiting for an answer apparently seeing his eyes open isnt enough.

"I am awake Healer Gwendolyn. Please stop shouting"

"how do you feel?"

Ah! now that is the question of the hour. Ron felt Better then he had in a long while His headache had disappeared completely and he no longer had to struggle just to keep up basic cognitive functions, His sight seemed so much sharper (though at the moment that was a curse given his only company was the bulldog looking woman currently glaring at him), Heck even his sense of touch felt Better, like he could feel every single stitch of the fabric of his shirt. But how to sum it all up?

"Better"

"well I would hope so, given that we just flushed a class 5 restricted potion from your body and healed genetic damage"

A new voice, a quick glance around the room and he spotted her in the back corner. Short, brown hair and pinkish eyes, looks to be in her early 20's, Theres some callus on her hands either a fighter or a healer. Given the situation she's probably the assistant healer sent from Hayon, a miss Hikari if his (now fantastic) memory was correct.

"and what potion would this be?"

A gentle smile and worried look overcome her face, he'd probably like this woman. If he didnt get an almost suffocating feeling of sadism and malice off her.

"The potion is known as the Stunting potion, in most cases it brings out and enhances bad traits or illnesses, however you had some genetic damage due to the British wizards breeding habits. Honestly I'm suprised you're even alive. You've got some pretty impressive magical strength boy, even being almost constantly drained trying to hold your body together you still had enough to make it into hogwarts."

Great. she's giving him a look like he's a particularly large mouse in front of a hungry housecat.

"How bad could it have been?"

"You would have been constantly exploding in anger, unable to remember anything farther then a day back, in constant pain, constantly feeling like you're starving and probably would have scored lower on a intelligence test then a chair.

_"I need to be alone" _

"can I have a few minutes to myself?"

She wants to protest thats plain to see but she has no reason not to agree so she does and the two healers leave the room. great, now for thinking.

Who drugged him with that potion and why?

Looking back to the days before his headaches started he didnt see any possible cause right away.

Play dolls with Ginny, Tag with the twins, watch dad tinker and mom cook, Beat percy in chess.

Hold on a tick.

That was the only break from his usual routine.

That's one strike against percy.

Percy seemed to avoid him after that except at meal times.

Strike two.

Percy turned downright vicious anytime he caught Ron making a mistake after that.

Strike three, we have a winner.

"Percy."

Well goodie. Now We've got the villain but no way to catch him, or any back-up.

_"I refuse to belive My mother and Father didnt notice and changes, Looking back a good deal of the twins prank items and potions had no effect at all, perhaps they were looking for a cure?"_

Well at least one thing is certain.

"I need power"

As if by (pardon the cliche) magic a small glowing purple box appeared floating in front of Ronald B Weasley.

**Would you like to join the game?**


	9. Chapter 9

**If I owned Harry Potter Snape would be a assassin playing both sides for profit until he got bored/rich. I did warn before that I'm slow to update. I'll be changing a few things around later on.**

It took less then a week for Harry Potter to come to a startling conclusion.

Hogwarts was fucking boring.

For the past week he had been going to the **Exact **same classes learning the **Exact **same spells with the only difference being how confusing the professors explanation was.

"Today class we will be turning Matches into needles. Now pay attention. Look at the match. Now back to me. Back to the match. It is now a needle. Look up! Now down. Your needle is now a outline for a 50 page report on why you fail. you have two days. get out."

_"really great teaching style they got here"_ Harry thought as he gathered his stuff. Not even bothering with the essay outline fully knowing by tomorrow she'd just be teaching them about needle transformations again in some other weird way harry continued on to lunch.

After making his way to Lunch Harry ploped down next to Edward and grabbed the closest bowl of food and started eating.

"Potter. why are you sitting here? Also you're eating Ddraig's Homework" Gotta love that Hufflepuff togetherness.

Spitting out the paper harry replied to his (evil) housemate "Look Ed it's been a bad week. classes really suck"

After giving a glare at Harry for calling him Ed he replied back. "wait you're still going to those? Potter I quit going to classes after Mcgongall told us on Tuesday that the first step to changing a match into a needle was 14 human sacrifices in the name of shimsham wallawalla bingbang"

"yeah shrry hic guys the updates ulp been taxshin the systa-the syxta- hic the game." That god both boys attention. Turning to the left they saw the god they both slightly despised sitting right next to Harry. The first thing they noticed was he was drunk out of his skull. The second was just how bad a state he was in. He was thinner then the last time they saw him and he had dark bags under his eyes, he was also paler then paper. Edward also idly noticed how nobody was even glancing at the three of them (though if he had looked a bit more closely he would have seen both Ron and Draco had been listening in).

Harry had to ask. "the hell happened to you?"

"hic famly proba-probi hic bad stuff. lotsa new gammers shin stats s'in stuff hic changin 'n chang'n and runin and hydin hic but itsh ok now updating the game shoon. {blaaaargh}." With that he fell back and disappeared through a hole in the floor leaving nothing but a half full cup and a bit of vomit.

"Behold ladies and gentlemen God in all his splendor." Deadpanned Edward.

"What the hell was he even drinking?" asked Harry.

Slightly curious himself Edward leaned over and took a sniff. "I think it's Ginger ale" he said in mild confusion and annoyance.

With that both boys went back to their lunches before one thought struck harry.

"wait did he say family problems?"

**OMAKE**

It was dark. No it was more then dark. It was a place with no light. The only things that existed in this place were three beings standing over a chained fifth being.

?:"why do you do this brother? why seek out your own end? we do not enjoy binding you. just end the game"

The chained being now revealed to be Remzal began laughing.

Remzal: "Khur-Zaffar, Mah-rion ,and little fellia you know as well as I a awakened spark cant be shut off. I finally get to die"

The Trio were quiet for a time before the smallest of them spoke.

?: "We cannot stop the game. But we can change it"

as the trio slowly began to reach towards Their brother he had time for one more thought before the agony began.

_"this is not going to be fun"_


	10. its something at least

**Guess who finally managed to get his hands on a laptop? hint its not Rick James. sooo yes it has been a while. I never planned on it being this long. but stuff happens. well I still don't own HP.**

The update took effect faster than expected. One second harry is walking to his dorm, the next the entire castle reshapes around him. The suits of armor becoming more detailed, showing actual damage and differences, as if once worn by real people and not just decoration. The stone walls covered in intricate and numerous symbols in a almost maddening pattern, with small almost unnoticeable sparks flickering from symbol to symbol.

But for Harry one thing stood out above all others.

"I don't have to hear about that damned needle any more!"

This cheerful mood lasted up until he actually entered the common room.

"Oi how come potters name plate is Orange?!"

At least thirty freaking out students greeted him each of them with their own menu screen (in a rather dull shade of grey) and a title over their heads proclaiming them to be a "magical NPC".

"_oh lovely. where's Ed? I'm not dealing with this crap alone"_

Edward was in fact facing a similar situation over by the third floor bathroom. All he wanted was to check on Hisster, make sure she got enough food, plenty of warmth, maybe a belly rub or two, but noooo suddenly he had to deal with a bunch of ravenclaws having a breakdown. At least the Malfoy brat was ok. Come to think of it he was taking this really well.

_"I hope Potter is suffering just as much as I am."_

Before Edward had a chance to try and settle the bookworm mob young Malfoy decided to speak.

"Out of curiosity sake are you freaking out for the fun of it or were you all just to stupid to read the guides floating in front of your faces?"

With that Malfoy managed to shut up the entire mob. some out of embarrassment, most out of indignation.

"since you cant be trusted to read I'm going to hit this button right here. This big one that's flashing red and says press for audio. This big flashing button we ALL have.'

With extremely over exaggerated motions Draco pushed the button and let the message play.

"Greetings and Salutations New players! you have been awoken to new powers by the gods. Those of you with grey names are known as NPC. NPC is short for Non-Powered-Characters. you can grow and progress in any way that you want but you'll never reach the heights of a PC. But fear not! Statuses can be changed at any moment. Now if you have a colored name Congratulations you are a Powered-Character! That means a god has decided to support you in this game. Constantly throwing new monsters and quests at you to force you to grow ever stronger. You'll either reach the heights of the heavens or fall into Null. Or if you're lucky the god'll grow bored and turn you back into a NPC. well that's it for basic info. Have fun!"

Everyone froze. They looked at Edwards nameplate. Then the info screen. Nameplate. Screen. Rinse. Repeat.

Finally someone snapped out of their stupor.

"SHIT." 'Edward couldn't have said it better himself.


End file.
